


itachi's journey

by itachicoughs (falterth), painintheassnojutsu



Series: hair to the throne: a series of cracky events [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Gen, I love Sasuke, Itachi is Briefly Framed for the Uchiha Massacre, Mentions of Uchiha Massacre, Mikoto and Fugaku drink to forget about Sasuke, POV Uchiha Itachi, Sasuke Creation, This took like a month to write, WE love Sasuke, shameless crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 10:52:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15629187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falterth/pseuds/itachicoughs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/painintheassnojutsu/pseuds/painintheassnojutsu
Summary: He drops to sit right outside the door of the store with his arms full of empty ninja info cards, revenge, ducks, and butts. Oh, and tomatoes.It just feels like a tomatoes moment.(in which Sasuke starts out as Itachi's fursona and eventually gains a life of his own)





	itachi's journey

**Author's Note:**

> no ragrets

Itachi introduces his fursona to mother and father.

 

“This is my fursona, Sasuke. His parents are—well—hey, would you look at that. They’re you! Congratulations, you’re new parents.”

 

“Has he finally cracked?” Mikoto stage-whispers to Fugaku.

 

“I can hear you,” Itachi says. “But that doesn’t really bother me. It’s okay. Anyway, I’ve repurposed one of the mirror rooms and put a crib and stuff in there. I also added a window with really bad security. So that people can sneak in if they need to, right?”

 

Mother and father simultaneously reach for the sake. “Can you—where did you put the mirrors?” Fugaku asks.

 

“Incinerated them with my Great Fireball. I also think I should inform you that you should not breastfeed Sasuke, for although he is but a swaddling babe, he is my fursona and that would be really weird,” Itachi says.

 

“Um,” Mikoto says. “Yeah.”

 

Fugaku cries a little. “I don’t want this. All I wanted was to live in peace as the head of the Uchiha clan. Itachi.”

 

“Yes, father?” Itachi asks, rearranging the bundle of ducks and butts in his arms. It’d taken him _forever_ to cobble together a good cosplay from all this. He thinks he may have created an unholy fiend. Maybe his fursona is there because he is lacking affection from his mother and father. Maybe Sasuke is not truly a fursona.

 

Maybe . . . he is a—a p-

 

He can’t say it.

 

“You’ve ruined us.”

 

Fugaku sniffles and gets up, exiting the room. Then he comes back a moment later to grab a bottle of sake. “Come on, Mikoto,” he says. “Let’s shun our son. Maybe it is the only way that he will ever learn.”

 

“Perhaps,” Mikoto says, and gracefully rises. She doesn’t use the door to get out, instead punching a hole in a wall and stepping out through it. She daintily zooms the remaining sake into her arms (this is possible because of her unique chakra, Sake Release).

 

“We will be retiring to our quarters now,” Fugaku says grandly.

 

Itachi bows at the waist. “Goodnight, foolish father.”

 

Oh shit. His duck butt little brother fursona has just spilled all over the place. Itachi glares at his father, and murder is packed into his tiny little gaze. He feels wise beyond his years. Old. He is weary.

 

“Father.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“You made me spill Sasuke all over the place.”

 

“Don’t cry over spilled Sasuke,” his father reprimands.

 

Itachi’s fists clench from where they hang at his sides. “Yeah. Okay,” Itachi agrees.

 

Fugaku doesn’t buy it for a second.

 

falterth: Okay just a quick note here that’s completely unrelated to the actual story: I love Sasuke. Like, I really do. I message classyfoxturtle saying “I love Sasuke” almost daily. Just ask her. It’s very true. I just love him so much. He’s my _boy._ Sasuke. Thosuke. Ultimate duck butt edition. God I love him.

 

classyfoxturtle: This is true. It's almost unbearable. Sasuke is _my_ son, not falterth’s. Hn.

 

falterth: **he is my son you godless heathen**

 

classyfoxturtle: fuck off Thot™

 

falterth: _crying in the corner like a pathetic little spilled duck butt cryer_

 

classyfoxturtle: don't cry, I can help you. With my.

 

Ninja

Info

Cards.

 

Itachi watches him silently until he leaves, and somehow the number of sake bottles in his arm has duplicated.

 

Two.

 

[ — ]

 

Itachi goes to the dollar store and buys™™™ revenge. Because he feels like it’s finally time to complete his little brother fursona ultimate duck butt edition egg laying super rare no-longer-manufactured golden version Sasuke. And revenge is the last ingredient.

 

He drops to sit right outside the door of the store with his arms full of empty ninja info cards, revenge, ducks, and butts. Oh, and tomatoes.

 

It just feels like a tomatoes moment.

 

Even though Itachi _hates_ tomatoes.

 

Anyway. Itachi throws everything in a cauldron that fuck you he totally had it the whole time shut up and he pokes a duck with a large wooden spoon.

 

 **HE** then stirs alllll the shit and cackles madly. “Ahahaha . . . foolish little brother . . . wait, I don’t have a brother. Fuck.”

 

He'll have to fix this.

 

He **_HN_ ** s and calls up his plastic surgery no jutsu, standing up and stomping on the ground with his designer alligator skin sandals. Except it's not actually alligator, it's crocodile, but don't tell anyone that because Itachi will MAMGEKYOU you even though he doesn't have that _or_ the MANGEKYOU.

 

Anyfuckingway, he plastic surgery's all the shit together and holds up his baby brother/fursona to show to the world.

 

“LOOK, LOOK AT MY FOOLISH LITTLE FURSONA BROTHER DUDE. HE'S A WEAK LITTLE BITCH WITH DUCK ASS HAIR.” Itachi pauses, shaking Sasuke around for good measure. Sasuke’s head lolls around ominously. “A WEAK BITCH FOR SURE, BUT I LOVE HIM.”

 

“Waaaah,” Sasuke grunts.

 

“Wrong WORD!” Itachi scolds furiously, and then turns to the crowd that has gathered. “A DUMB AS ROCKS DUCK BUTT!!”

 

“Hn,” Sasuke corrects himself.

 

“Much better,” Itachi says, and pats Sasuke on the head lovingly. “You are a fine Uchiha already.”

 

Civilians choose this moment to come surging forward in droves.

 

“Itachi-sama!!” An old man says. “Please give me plastic surgery!!”

 

“No,” Itachi refuses, crying. “I’m a pacifist.”

 

falterth: okay so for this scene you’re gonna need to imagine this seven year old little kid Itachi speaking in his weird low whispery adult voice

 

“But—but, Itachi-sama!! What does that have to do with my plastic surgery, O Esteemed One?”

 

“First of all,” Itachi begins, “I am not a ‘steamed one’, whatever that means. Second of all, if I fucking perform this godless surgery on your sorry civilian ass, I will have to see to it that you . . . perish.”

 

The world turns red.

 

“Please, Mr. Itachi!! Help me?? I’ll do anything!”

 

“Anything?” Itachi asks, interest piqued, in a voice so deep that an earthquake happens. on the other side of the world of course

 

“Anything for you, Mr. Itachi,” the civilian man says.

 

“Then perish.”

 

Itachi kicks him in the wait he’s a pacifist.

 

Itachi goes home PEACEFULLY AND WITHOUT ANY BLOODSHED WHATSOEVER, taking a HNing Sasuke and some money dollars back home to the Uchiha compound.

 

[ — ]

 

“Mother! Father! Come say happy birthday to your son, you god-loving fools! HE'S ONE!”

 

“Itachi, son, he's been alive for TWO DAYS. And, wait, he's not even ALIVE. And he's _not. My. Son,_ ” Fugaku insists.

 

“He is your son,” Itachi says, in perfect monotone.

 

Itachi feels like a monster. Sasuke is already advancing so rapidly. Is 600 HNs per second normal? No. Is Itachi complaining about it? Also no.

 

falterth: I just said that last paragraph aloud to my sister and she said I sounded like Chris from Total Drama Island

 

“Not our son,” Mikoto says. “You should kill him.”

 

“Maybe I will kill you,” Itachi returns. “Wait, no, sorry, pacifist.”

 

“A PACIFIST?” Fugaku thunders cutely. “NO SON OF MINE SHALL EVER BE A PACIFIST.”

 

Fugaku roars directly into Itachi’s face. Itachi gets an uncomfortable close-up of those weird duck things on his lips and comes to terms with the horrifying revelation that maybe this is where Sasuke inherited his duck-like qualities.

 

Itachi hates.

 

“Please just say happy birthday to your own son,” Itachi pleads.

 

Fugaku and Mikoto sigh.

 

“We’re tired, Itachi,” Mikoto begins. “Maybe—maybe it would be best if you did kill us.”

 

“I’m a pacifist,” Itachi says, horrified.

 

“You should listen to your mother,” Fugaku advises. She knows what’s best for you.”

 

And then he starts to roar into Itachi’s face again. “I SWEAR TO EVERY GOD IN HEAVEN AND HELL YOU SHALL NOT PACIFIST. IF I EVER CATCH YOU DOING ANY PEACE LOVING ACTIVITIES LIKE MAKING FLOWER CROWNS—oh, wait, nevermind, that’s _my_ hobby—I SHALL SMITE YOU WHERE YOU STAND SO HELP ME.”

 

Itachi backs away quickly so that stray spittle won’t hit him. “Please, father, listen to me. Just tell your son happy birthday. Please.”

 

“NOOO.”

 

Mikoto tilts her head imperiously and says severely, “Happy first birthday, Sasuke. Son.”

 

Itachi starts crying. “Mother thank you. Thank you, mother. Thank you. This is all I wanted. I just wanted for Sasuke to be acknowledged.”

 

Fugaku scoffs loudly. “He shall never be my true son.”

 

“Hn,” Sasuke grunts.

 

Fugaku freezes and turns to stare at the little baby Sasuke in Itachi’s arms. “Did he . . . ?”

 

Itachi nods.

 

Fugaku rushes over to Sasuke and takes the baby from Itachi. He holds Sasuke up high and a sunbeam pierces through the solid wood roof to shine upon Sasuke’s magnificent duck butt. Mikoto looks oddly proud.

 

“Welcome to the son, family,” Fugaku says through many tears.

 

Mikoto clears her throat.

 

“I mean, welcome to the family, son,” Fugaku says through many tears.

 

“I could kill you right now,” Sasuke whispers.

 

Fugaku looks horrified. “That is reserved for Itachi!”

 

“This mortal body is painful,” the baby says again. “I am too powerful. Soon, it shall burn up. Soon, I will be made completely of hair—the only material strong enough to be a ceaseless vessel of the holy duck butt.”

 

Itachi squeals with delight. “Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!”

 

“No! No! No! No! No!” Fugaku says.

 

“Hn,” Sasuke vocalizes, and that’s the end of that conversation.

 

[ — ]

 

Sasuke is powerful. So powerful. Mikoto and Fugaku buy him a crib that is easily peered into.

 

[ — ]

 

Itachi finishes wrapping up his bento.

 

“Sasuke,” he calls out in his deep Akatatatatatatatsuki voice, even though he’s only seven years old. “I’m off to ANBU. Have fun at home!”

 

“Hn.”

 

Itachi facepalms. Of course Sasuke wouldn’t understand such primitive language.

 

“Hn,” Itachi repeats, and then, after a short pause, “Hn—hn hn. Hn. Hn.”

 

Sasuke nods wisely. “Hn!”

 

“Of course I’ll be safe!” Itachi exclaims, and then translates that into _hn_ for Sasuke to listen to.

 

Itachi shuts the door behind him and goes off to his ANBU duties clad in his Akatatatatatatatsuki cloak that is CERTAINLY NOT following dress code.

 

He thinks he’s starting to like home life.

 

He arrives at the ANBU place and Kakashi takes one look at him and arrests him.

 

“K—Kakashi-taichou?” he asks, confused.

 

“Uchiha Itachi,” Kakashi says, and it sounds like he’s reciting something. “Perpetrator of the Uchiha Massacre. Committed high treason against the village and the Hokage. You have the right to remain silent.”

 

Itachi asks, “What Uchiha Massacre? I’m being framed! Kakashi-taichou, listen to reason. All the Uchiha are alive and well. Cease this madness immediately! Or will you bow your head to the government like a dog begging for scraps?”

 

Kakashi blinks, hard and fast, and then he’s _crying_ and Itachi doesn’t know what to do, how to feel, and then he is being embraced by Kakashi and being told, “Endure it for a little while.”

 

Itachi nods fearfully and is escorted to jail.

 

Seven days later, Sasuke comes in, hair thrashing madly around him, and busts Itachi out of jail.

 

Fuck yeah! That’s what little brothers are for! Itachi is so proud.

 

Itachi brings a returned-to-normal Sasuke to the Hokage tower to rip Danzō a new one.

 

“YOU,” Itachi roars, “SAY YOU ARE FIGHTING AND SCHEMING FOR THE GLORY OF KONOHA. THIS IS NOT TRUE. YOU ARE HURTING KONOHA MORE THAN YOU ARE HEALING IT. YOU LEAD IT INTO A FRAGILE WEB OF LIES THAT WILL SOONER COLLAPSE AND TAKE THE WHOLE OF THE VILLAGE WITH IT THAN HOLD ITSELF UP.”

 

Danzō takes a step back, holding his hands against his head. “You are very loud,” he gasps weakly, and then he dies.

 

“ . . . Hn,” Sasuke shrieks, and two duck butt dragons come to swallow Danzō up.

 

Itachi feels like he has truly accomplished something here. He jumps out of the window of the tower and flies using Sasuke’s hair as some kind of fucked-up, demented flying carpet that occasionally spews duck butt debris on the ground.

 

Unbeknownst to him, Danzō comes back to life immediately afterwards and starts planning the Uchiha massacre.

 

The end.

**Author's Note:**

> all ragrets? i can mood
> 
> (we're living it up in [gama-chan party](https://discord.gg/g25p3S3), discord server run by yours truly.)


End file.
